Are you practicing ‘Toxic Forgiveness?’ This is how to say

The temptation to forgive without being willing is largely a product of the level of moral pressure our society places on forgiveness. After all, we’re all told that the best way to overcome conflict is to forgive and forget — but that’s not necessarily the wisest, says psychotherapist Peter Schmitt, LMHC, associate clinical director available at Kip Therapy said. “Forgiveness requires understanding and acknowledging the harm done, and making a positive choice to continue a relationship of some kind with the person who hurt you,” he said. . That process is the antithesis of forget. “If we really forget, we’re still trying to be in a relationship with a version of this person who has never done any harm—and that’s not the person we’re with. really be in a relationship.

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Of course, constantly focusing on the harm done or holding a grudge is also not a good idea. “This creates a sense of justifiable indignation, as we recall the most negative aspects of a person and their most hurtful actions, while considering only the most moral aspects of ourselves. body,” says psychologist Alyson Nerenberg, PsyD, author of the book. There is no perfect love: Smash the illusion of perfect relationships. “The result is a ‘victim mindset’ that can keep us trapped in our resentments.”

It is for that reason that the implementation opposite and forgiving someone is often so well known: Once you forgive someone (in fact), “your body may feel lighter, your mind will no longer be. feel more cluttered and you can feel more emotionally and physically at peace,” says Dontea’ Mitchell-Hunter, LMFT, a self-worth coach and therapist specializing in healing relationships generation. In fact, the act of forgiveness has been shown to reduce stress and boost mental health in forgivers.

“We don’t want to forgive too quickly without processing our pain or too slowly for us to suffer in our victimhood for years.” —Alyson Nerenberg, PsyD, psychologist

Again, it requires you to sincerely seek forgiveness—not because you don’t succumb to social or personal pressure to let someone out of trouble, but because you truly feel they have accepted their misbehavior and can move forward. “We don’t want to forgive too quickly without processing our pain or “It’s so slow that we agonize and agonize over our victimhood for years,” says Dr. Nerenberg. While the latter may apply to people who are completely unable to access forgiveness, the former reflects toxic forgiveness.

Why Toxic Forgiveness Matters

At its core, toxic forgiveness can be a form of self-betrayal, says Mitchell-Hunter. “When you move on before getting ready, you skip the internal check that you need to feel all those complicated feelings of hurt,” she says. By allowing yourself to feel what’s right for you, she says, you can identify what you need to heal, whether it’s “stillness, comfort, care, connection, space. manner or anger”. If you’re accepting an apology without taking this step, you’re not preparing yourself to move forward.

Instead, you’re just “squeezing the reality of vulnerability out of your mind,” says Schmitt. By not effectively treating or addressing the pain caused, you also increase the risk that it will flare up again in the future. “When people try to get through things too quickly, anger and resentment erupt later when they realize they have never properly grieve,” says Dr. Nerenberg.

At that point, it may not always be clear where the anger is coming from. She added: “It usually goes sideways as a passive active dig. For example, consider a woman who is in a hurry to forgive her partner for cheating, but in her heart, is not really ready to do so. Dr Nerenberg said: “When this person sees another attractive woman walking past her partner, she may make sarcastic remarks about how this woman must be their type. any. This type of behavior proves that her initial forgiveness wasn’t really taken seriously and that her worries were hidden under the rug, where they were allowed to fester even more.

How to Know You’ve Fallen into the Trap of Toxic Forgiveness

Perhaps the most obvious sign that your forgiveness of others isn’t really helping you (or them) is the feeling that you’re forgiving them just because of you. yes to—ie to avoid conflict or because you just feel the need to appease them. This temptation, says Mitchell-Hunter, is often rooted in a sense of shame, guilt, or embarrassment to some degree that you’ve been hurt by their actions, so you try to defuse it. by pretending to “get over it”.

Sometimes, if a person is badly hurt by someone they really care about, they can actually be convinced that it was their fault. private clinical psychologist Aimee Daramus, PsyD, author of Understanding Bipolar Disorder. “Maybe the person who hurt you manipulated you into feeling that way, or maybe blaming yourself makes you feel more in control of the situation,” she says. However, in either case, admitting all the blame can make you “forgive” the other person when deep down, you’re still very much hurt by their actions.

This can come in the form of self-talk that invalidates your own emotions. If you find yourself thinking things like “I shouldn’t be so angry” or “I’m not mature enough to let this affect our relationship,” that’s a clear sign that you’re in trouble. Letting go of your true feelings to gain fake forgiveness. Schmitt said. By doing so, you’re missing out on the important message these feelings are conveying—namely, that you haven’t healed yet and that there’s more work to be done before your relationship really works, he says. speak.

Likewise, if you find yourself indirectly criticizing your partner, it could also be a sign that unresolved emotions are lurking beneath the surface. “When we are traumatized by a deep wound, these types of comments can emerge about seemingly innocuous things,” says Dr. Nerenberg. “Whenever we react strongly, it shows that we have not overcome our feelings of vulnerability.” That is, no matter how many apologies we have claimed to accept.

How to get to true forgiveness?

Obviously, toxic forgiveness is forgiveness offered too soon, before you’re actually ready to accept the apology. If you find yourself in this state, how can you come to terms with the necessary kind of acceptance? real forgiveness?

That starts with practicing some real self-care, according to Dr. Daramus. Immediately after being hurt by someone, it is essential to manage your boundaries and give yourself the necessary distance from the person who hurt you to feel safe again. “True forgiveness can become possible when you truly feel that the threat to you, whether physical or emotional or otherwise, has passed,” she says.

During this stage, it’s important to figure out “how you really feel and what forgiveness in this relationship means to you, without letting anyone else tell you what you mean.” how. Candlestick Mitchell-Hunter said. Allowing yourself the time needed to acknowledge your hurt and anger, rather than burying those feelings, “may hold the key to understanding how you can actually heal,” says Schmitt. relationship with the person who has hurt you”.

This kind of introspection can also help you figure out why you feel hurt in the first place—which may not only What to do with the actions of the perpetrator in question. Sometimes, deep wounds from childhood can be triggered by a partner’s behavior later in life. For example, if you feel rejected by your partner, you can ask yourself if you really feel angry at them or perhaps, the anger you are feeling is really aimed at. your parents for abandoning you when you needed them. Dr. Nerenberg said. “It can be helpful to talk to a trusted friend or therapist to get to the root of your pain,” she says.

However, the purpose of this exercise is not to set the current perpetrator free; it’s more about individual Find a way forward with more understanding. And the same can be said about forgiving someone in general: It’s not about denying the fact that they’ve hurt you, but accepting the hurt so you can show them mercy. , despite that, Dr. Nerenberg said. Recognizing forgiveness in this way can help you break free from the toxic “forgive and forget” narrative and find the ability to forgive someone, instead, from honesty and acceptance.