Integrative psychotherapist Rebecca Hendrix, LMFT, says it can be difficult to determine when you might be pushing your own boundaries because that often happens when you give up on your own self-interest. “We violate our own boundaries by prioritizing others and their wants or feelings over our own or our own,” she says. “This is often the same as saying ‘yes’ when we want to say ‘no’.” For example, agree to help someone move when you have to miss your weekly yoga class or take on a new project at work when you’re busy. already overloaded are all classic scenarios of walking right across your own boundaries.
“We violate our own boundaries by prioritizing others and their wants or feelings over our own or our own.” —Rebecca Hendrix, LMFT, integrative therapist
In other cases, it may look as if others are at fault for breaking your boundaries, when in reality you are allowing it to happen. “For example, at work, you can let a colleague talk about a co-worker even though it makes you feel uncomfortable, and in your personal life you can allow a friend to vent his anger on you. yourself when you are incapable of emotional listening. ,” says integrative therapist Abby Rawlinson, MBACP, author of the forthcoming book reclaim you. Instead of saying something to stop the conversation and maintain your boundaries, you’re letting it go.
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At first glance, these examples might make you see that these are just the selfless acts of a good person. But in reality, they reflect an unsustainable way to help others. “Always playing the martyr or the people pleaser at the expense of your own boundaries will keep you from getting your needs met and, at worst, make you feel bad,” says Rawlinson. feel obscured, violated, or overwhelmed. Over time, that breeds resentment—and once you wallow in that feeling, you can’t help others more effectively than you help yourself.
Why you might violate (or fail to maintain) your own boundaries
Your perception of yourself—and the way you doubt others see you—could be the reason you violate your own boundaries. In particular, feeling like your boundaries might make you appear selfish, heartless, or mean can make it impossible for you to maintain them, Rawlinson says.
According to Hendrix, these fears are often rooted in an even deeper insecurity. “If you don’t feel ‘good enough’ as you are now, then you may feel the need to be seen as nice or permissive in order to be liked or approved,” she says. When it does, maintaining your boundaries can threaten the beauty you’re trying to show—making letting them fall seem like the right move.
Similarly, feeling unworthy Rawlinson says that having your own boundaries in the first place can also be why it’s so easy to break them, adding that this self-perception can start in childhood if parents ignore children’s boundaries.
“[A parent ignoring your boundaries as a kid] send the message that your boundaries don’t matter or that you don’t have the right to your own separation.” —Abby Rawlinson, MBACP, integrative therapist
Rawlinson says: “Perhaps your mother read your diary or messages without permission or forced you to hug family members out of courtesy even if you were uncomfortable doing so. “Being over this limit sends the message that your boundaries don’t matter or that you don’t have a right to your individuality,” she said. “Early lessons like these are ingrained in our minds and nervous systems, and can wreak havoc on our ability to sense and express boundaries, which can lead us to please everyone. lifelong people.”
Often, the same thing happens if your parents micro-manage your every move to the point where you’re never allowed to act on your feelings, says Hendrix. Once you finally to be If you can act autonomously, you may have a hard time setting and maintaining real boundaries later in life, because you didn’t get the chance to do so as a kid.
In this case, “you may not feel like you really know yourself, who you are, what you want or don’t want,” says Hendrix, “but you know you want to be liked, so you can Agree to things that you will later resent. In this way, you are essentially allowing yourself to push your own boundaries because you are barely defining them for yourself.
5 tips to be a better advocate for you private boundary
1. Think about why you are violating a certain boundary in the present moment
Curiosity about an unhelpful behavior can help you figure out why it’s happening—essential to putting an end to it. “If you say ‘yes’ to bathing your baby on Sunday when you mean ‘no’, ask yourself why you consider bathing your baby more important than doing yoga,” says Hendrix. or logging which you would otherwise do.
If the reason has the word “should” in it (for example, I feel I Candlestick go), take a minute to think about its origins. “If you feel you should give your newborn a bath, consider what you fear will happen if you don’t. And what if that happens? Keep asking until you get to the core of the fear that made you say ‘yes’,” says Hendrix. Perhaps the root fear is that the people at the event will get mad and treat you like a friend. “Then ask yourself if you know that is absolutely true,” says Hendrix. With the answer being no, “see instead if you can allow yourself to respect your needs and ignore how others perceive it,” she says.
2. Be as clear to others (and to yourself) about your boundaries as possible
Those who struggle the most to maintain their boundaries may feel the need to make their boundaries particularly ambiguous. “People often over-explain or draw their boundaries to avoid disappointing people, but this can create confusion,” says Rawlinson. And the confusion gives way to crossing the line, intentionally or not.
For that reason, it helps to show boundaries as specifically and accurately as possible—such as “I can’t work past 6 p.m. today” or “I can help you clean up.” home for three hours on Sunday morning, but I have plans for the afternoon.” With such a clear line, you’re less likely to be told (or tell yourself) about it, says Rawlinson.
If you’re not sure enough about a particular request to be this outspoken, Hendrix recommends taking some time for yourself instead of just saying “yes”—as it will later be difficult to enforce a boundary you’ve already established. omitted earlier. “Always say you’re going to think about it, check your calendar, check in with your partner, etc., and then get back to that person,” she says. “In doing so, you give yourself more time to determine what you really want and how you want to express it.”
3. Communicate your boundaries as affirmations, not questions
Your boundary is your own—meaning it’s not up for debate. But when you put a boundary in the form of a question, like many people do (like “Can you avoid texting me after 6 p.m.?” or “Can you stop making jokes about it?” my looks?”), you are opening a conversation. for discussion, rather than stating your position, Rawlinson said.
Instead, try to stick to the facts and use statements like ‘I will’, ‘I don’t’, ‘I can’t’ or ‘I need to’ when expressing boundaries, she says. “For example, you could simply say, ‘I don’t feel comfortable when you make jokes about my appearance.’” Time out, end the discussion.
4. Set consequences for crossed boundaries
Just as you may be more likely to follow a rule if you face punishment for breaking it, you will be more likely to maintain your own boundaries if there are real consequences if not doing so. It’s important to make all parties involved aware of the consequences in advance, says Rawlinson, so that you are actually held accountable for it. For example, you could say, “If this happens again, I’ll drop the conversation” or “If you call me back while I’m at work, I won’t answer the phone.”
“Remember, boundaries involve communicating what your limits are, and what you will and will not accept,” says Rawlinson. “Ultimately they are about you, not other people.”
5. Understand that you can’t please everyone all the time
Sure, you can push your own boundaries to please everyone around you, and in many cases this will work—but not. all of their. And there’s a problem: No matter what your actions are, at some point someone will be frustrated or upset by them.
But, at the very least, if their frustrations are the result of you maintaining your own boundaries, then you can take comfort in knowing that you’ve made the choice to honor yourself, says Hendrix . “Just because they’re frustrated doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong,” she says. “Give them the dignity to go their own way, and remind yourself that you have the right to choose your own path.”
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